


Destroy What You Enjoy

by paragraph (ebcdic)



Category: Powerman 5000, Rob Zombie - Fandom
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Blood, Brother/Brother Incest, Cheating, Domestic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Face Punching, Face Slapping, Family Secrets, Friendship, Jealousy, Love Triangles, M/M, Musicians, Non-Consensual Touching, POV First Person, Possibly Unrequited Love, Sexual Coercion, Threats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-18
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2019-02-04 00:24:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12759303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ebcdic/pseuds/paragraph
Summary: Everything in Dorian's life is great. Then Spider's brother shows up out of nowhere.





	Destroy What You Enjoy

"C'mon, Dori," Spider murmurs in my ear as he tries to reach around me and dip his fingers into the cake batter I'm stirring.

"You want to eat raw eggs? That's nasty," I tell him, turning my head slightly to smile at him.

He grins and then kisses me lightly. I move to kiss him back, but that's when he smears cake batter on my lips.

"Hey!" I protest.

His eyes sparkle with laughter as he leans in and licks it off my lips. I carefully set the bowl on the counter before turning and wrapping my arms around his neck, pulling him closer. He grinds his hips into mine, backing me towards the counter, as I suck his tongue into my mouth. Just as his hands slide up under my shirt, the doorbell rings.

"Door," I murmur into his mouth.

"Let it go," he says, moving down to suck on my neck.

It rings again, several times in a row, like someone was pressing the button impatiently. "Spy, I've got to answer it."

He sighs and pulls away, letting me slide by. "Get rid of whoever it is," he says as he slaps my ass playfully.

I laugh and run to the door, yanking it open. "Can I hel--" The words die on my lips as I realize who's standing there. "Rob?"

He stares at me with one eyebrow raised, his eyes lingering on my neck. I have to fight the urge to squirm. Then he smiles and asks, "Is my brother here?"

Before I can answer, Spider comes tearing around the corner and runs past me, practically leaping into Rob's arms. "Rob!"

"Baby," Rob murmurs against Spider's hair, hugging him tight. Then he pulls back and nods at me. "Who's this?"

Spider blinks and swallows hard before draping himself on my back, resting his chin on my shoulder as he answers, "This is Dorian."

Rob looks me up and down while Spider caresses my stomach. I lick my lips, feeling nervous and confused, like there's something going on here that I'm not quite getting. Then Rob sticks out his hand for me to shake.

"Nice to meet you, Dorian," he says as I shake his hand.

I don't like the tone of his voice, it sounds almost disdainful, but I smile and say, "Nice to meet you too, Rob. Come in?"

He nods and steps fully into the house, dragging a suitcase with him. I have to bite down a groan. He isn't planning on staying here, is he? 

"Can I talk to my brother for a second?" Rob asks, but he doesn't really ask, it's more like demands.

I disentangle Spider's hands from around my waist, nodding before fleeing into the kitchen. As I pick up the cake batter again, I can hear them talking, but just barely. I force myself to stay where I am and not hover in the doorway. 

"I haven't seen you in a long time, brother," Spider murmurs, strangely enough, in the same tone of voice he uses when he's trying to seduce me.

"I'm sorry, baby. I've been busy, you know that," Rob says.

What the fuck is with this baby shit? I wonder as I find myself stirring the batter harder.

"I've missed you."

"Who's the bitch?" Rob asks bluntly.

I slam the bowl on the counter, so angry I can't see straight. How fucking dare he? 

"Rob," Spider hisses. "Don't."

Way to defend me, Spider. Fucker.

Rob laughs. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you actually love this one."

"I do love him," Spider says so quietly I barely hear him.

I drop the spoon into the bowl and creep closer to the doorway. From this angle I can just see Rob, who's opening his mouth to say something.

"I'm not getting into this with you here," Spider growls before he can say anything.

Rob gestures at the hallway, then they disappear down it. I hear a door open and close, then silence. Somehow it isn't very reassuring.

**

"Good dinner," Rob says brusquely.

"Thanks," I mutter.

This is the most any of us have said to each other since Rob and Spider emerged from the bedroom two hours ago. Both flushed, might I add, while Spider's eyes were glazed like-- But I shouldn't even be thinking like that, they're brothers for fuck's sake. I'm just feeling jealous that Spider's paying more attention to Rob than me, I guess. 

Spider leans over and kisses my cheek. "Thanks for cooking, Dori."

I just nod. He never uses that nickname unless he's done something he knows I won't like or is trying get his way. Then I abruptly stand up and start gathering dishes. Spider frowns at me and reaches for my arm, but I shrug him off with a tight smile and move into the kitchen. 

"Is he always this bitchy?" Rob asks.

I snarl and hurl a plate at the wall. As I kneel down to pick up the pieces, I hear Spider hiss something at Rob, but I can't hear what he's saying exactly. Then he's suddenly at my side, picking up the pieces with me.

"Are you okay?" he asks quietly.

"Just fine," I mumble.

He grabs my arm and forces me to look at him. "C'mon, Dorian, you've been…"

"Bitchy?" I supply bitterly as he trails off.

He sighs. "No. Just not happy. Ummm, since Rob showed up you've been, I don't know, upset."

I pull my arm out of his grasp and go back to picking up the mess I made. "I'm not upset. Why would I be upset?"

"Dorian," he barks and my head snaps up to look at him.

He caresses my cheek with his thumb before leaning in to kiss me. I hesitate to kiss him back and his hand slides up to stroke my hair. Bastard, I think as I kiss him back, he knows how I am about that. Just as he slides his tongue into my mouth, I remember that Rob is in all likelihood still sitting in the dinning room, and pull back. When I look up, I see Rob standing in the doorway watching us, his eyes veiled and dark, but before I can say anything, he's gone.

Spider blinks at me, still stroking my hair. "What?"

"Nothing," I mutter and kiss him again. 

He sighs against my lips. "It's Rob, isn't it? You're pissed that he's here?"

"No," I snap and crush my mouth to his.

I'm surprised when he just lets me push him to the floor and straddle his waist, pinning his hands above his head as I bite his lower lip. He just squirms under me, moaning lowly. I almost say 'who's the bitch now, huh,' but swallow back the bitter words. It's not Spider's fault that his brother is an asshole. And with that thought I sit up and let Spider go.

"Hey," he protests.

"Go get your brother settled in," I say. "I'll clean up."

He reaches up to touch my hair, frowning. "Are you sure it's okay for him to stay here?"

I nod and Spider kisses me one last time before getting up and leaving the room. Truth is, I'm not really okay with it. Rob's been gone for years and he thinks he can just show up like this and change everything? Fuck, I really do sound like a bitch. 

Sighing, I dump the broken plate in the garbage and then move to finish cleaning the kitchen.

**

"Rob, no, " I hear Spider hiss. 

Startled, I sit straight up in bed. And immediately notice that Spider's not in bed with me. It's two in the morning. What the hell is he doing?

"Rob."

A drawn out, breathy moan this time. I pull my legs up to my chest and rest my chin on my knees. It's late, I'm tired and I have to be mishearing things. 

"Baby."

Now that sure as fuck wasn't Spider's voice. It was Rob's. All low and husky. 

"I-- We can't," Spider moans.

"I've missed you," Rob says.

"I know, but I can't do this to Dorian."

There's silence for a moment, then a low growl. It's this sound Spider makes that always causes me to shiver. I bite my lip before lying back down and throwing the blankets over my head. This can't be real.

**

"Good morning, Dorian," Rob greets me as I walk into the kitchen.

"Morning," I grumble.

He hands me a cup of coffee. I stare down into it with a frown.

"Sugar, right?" Rob asks, smiling at me as he sips from his own cup.

"Yeah," I mumble.

"I figured," Rob says. "I take mine the same way."

I blink at him and take a sip.

"Spider," Rob explains, "his tastes have a way of rubbing off, huh?"

I shrug. "I guess."

Rob keeps staring at me in this way that makes me really uncomfortable. I wish I'd thought to get completely dressed before I came out here or at least put a shirt on. But, truth is, I wanted to avoid Spider this morning. Just my bad luck that Rob had to be awake.

"Thank you," Rob says suddenly and I jump, spilling coffee onto my hand.

"Fuck," I hiss, moving the coffee cup to my other hand.

Rob grabs my burnt hand and I immediately try to yank it away, but he just tightens his grip. 

"Don't," I say as he brings it up to his lips. 

He just smirks at me before darting his tongue out to lick the coffee off my hand. I squirm and try to pull my hand away, but he just pulls me closer, causing coffee to splash out of my cup to the floor.

"Stop," I demand, but my voice comes out all rough.

"You're beautiful, Dorian," Rob murmurs against my skin. "I can see why my Spider would want you."

His Spider? Excuse me? "Let go, motherfucker," I snarl, yanking my hand away.

Rob's eyes darken. "My baby brother loves you. You better not hurt him."

"I would never hurt Spider," I snap as I stalk to the sink and dump the coffee down the drain. "I love him."

"Never say never, Dorian," Rob whispers in my ear.

Before I can stop shivering enough to reply, he's left the room.

**

Spider is curled up in Rob's lap. His head on Rob's thighs as he looks up at him adoringly. Rob is carding his fingers through Spider's hair, talking softly to him. I've just walked in the door and I don't think they know I'm here. Spider keeps on smiling up at Rob, looking so happy. If I didn't have evidence to the contrary, I'd just melt over the innocence of this picture.

As if to prove my suspicions, Spider sits up and straddles Rob's thighs. Rob rests his hands on Spider's waist and then I nearly drop the groceries I'm carrying to the floor when Spider leans in and kisses Rob. Not just a light kiss or anything. Oh, no. This is all tongue and teeth, like they're trying to devour each other's mouths. Spider has never, ever kissed me like that.

That's when the groceries slide out of my arms to the floor with a loud crash. They both turn to look at me. Spider's expression goes from horror to pleading to embarrassment and back again. Rob just licks his lips and then crooks a finger at me. 

"The hell?" I manage to choke out.

"Dori, I can explain," Spider pleads as he tries to slide off Rob's lap.

"Come here, Dorian," Rob says softly, holding Spider in place.

I shake my head but move forward anyway, stepping over the groceries. When I'm within inches of them, I pause, just staring between them.

"Dori--"

"Shut up, Spider," I growl.

I don't know what I'm thinking, or if I'm even thinking at all, but I grab Rob by the hair and kiss him. Spider whimpers in my ear, then starts licking at my neck. I find myself kneeling up on the couch to give both of them better access. 

**

"You're still here," I say to Rob as I enter the bathroom.

"So are you," he says dryly as he applies a Band-Aid to a cut I gave him last night.

"It's my house," I say childishly, folding my arms over my chest.

"He's my brother," he shoots back.

"Yeah, exactly," I say sarcastically.

He smirks and touches a bruise on my hip that I know for a fact Spider gave me when he fucked me. Right after he fucked Rob, might I add. "You weren't complaining about that last night."

I move out of his grasp. "Fuck off."

He holds up his hands and then moves out the door, heading back to the bedroom. I grab his arm and shake my head. 

"Go back to your own room," I tell him in a whisper, glancing to Spider to make sure he's still asleep.

"Nah," Rob says, wrenching his arm away.

He climbs into bed with Spider and kisses his nose before wrapping his arms around him. Rob looks up at me and smiles, holding open one arm to me. I shake my head and back away into the bathroom. What have I done?

**

"What? So you're going to hide in here forever?" Spider asks as he leans against the doorframe to the guestroom.

"Maybe," I mutter, pulling my knees closer to my chest, avoiding his eyes.

He sighs and steps into the room. "I thought you were okay with it, Dorian."

I turn and glare at him. "Why the fuck would I be okay with it, Spider?" He blinks at me, looking startled, and I slide off the bed to stand in front of him. "Why would I be okay with you not only cheating on me, but doing it with your own brother? Fucking explain to me why it's okay."

He winces. "Actually, I'm cheating on him with you."

I feel like I've been sucker punched to the gut and I have to fight back tears. Fight to breathe. "Fuck you, Spider," I manage to hiss.

He grabs my shoulders, I try to shove him away but he holds firm, shaking me slightly. "Don't do this to us, Dorian. Rob likes you."

I growl and shove Spider away, stalking back toward the bed. "I don't fucking care what Rob thinks."

"I do," Spider says quietly. "I love him. I've been so lost without him."

I want to scream at him. I want to throw so many questions back in his face. I want to make him hurt, just like I'm hurting. Instead I just murmur, "I need time to think."

"Okay," Spider whispers, his voice breaking.

Then he flees the room. Undoubtedly right into Rob's arms.

**

"Come out of hiding, have you," Rob greets me as I shuffle into the living room.

I ignore him and curl up on the couch, waiting for Spider to wake up so I can talk to him. Rob sits down next to me on the couch and touches my face. I shrink away from him.

"Don't touch me," I mutter.

He laughs. "You touched me first."

I curl up into a tighter ball. "Why?"

"Why did you touch me first?" he asks, tilting his head at me.

I shake my head. "No. Why you and Spider?"

He plays with his shirt, seeming suddenly nervous. "We're only two years apart. We liked the same things. We understood each other."

"That doesn't mean you have to..." I trail off and swallow hard, avoiding his eyes.

Rob sighs. "But we never went that far before the other night."

"Liar," I cry. "The night you showed up here, you--"

"Gave Spider a blow job? Yeah, I did," Rob says, cutting me off.

I shake my head in disbelief. Rob reaches over and strokes my hair. And I just let him.

Then he whispers in my ear, "I like you, Dorian."

"Did you want it-- When Spider fucked you?" I ask quietly, staring blankly ahead.

He kisses my cheek. "What Spider wants, Spider gets. You know that as well as I do, Dorian."

I turn and curl up against him, just wanting some kind of comfort, even if it's from the enemy. "But did you want it?"

He kisses me lightly. "I love him."

"That's not an answer," I protest, moving away.

"It's the only one I have," he says softly, his voice sincere. 

"I love him too," I murmur, staring into his eyes for a second before standing up. "But I can't handle this."

Suddenly someone is touching me, sliding their hands around my waist and I jump in shock. 

"Can't handle what, Dorian?" Spider whispers in my ear.

I try to squirm away from him. "Don't."

He rests his chin on my shoulder as his fingers dip under the waistband of my pants. "Don't, what?"

Rob licks his lips, staring at me. "Good morning, baby."

"Morning, brother," Spider says, his breath hot against my neck. He kisses my neck. "We need to talk, Dorian."

I just nod, frozen in place by his touch and Rob's stare. One of Spider's hands slides around to rest against my lower back. He guides me into the kitchen and I just let him.

Spider smiles at me as he flips on the light. "Coffee?"

I move to start making it for him, but he grabs my hand. "No, do you want coffee?"

"No, no, I'm okay," I answer, shaking my head.

He kisses my forehead and then grabs me tightly around the waist, grinning wickedly at me. Before I can protest, he's lifting me up.

"Spy," I squeal, hitting his shoulder lightly, "put me down."

He laughs and spins me around once before letting go. I can almost forget in that moment that Rob ever showed up here. And I want to forget so badly, especially when Spider nuzzles his forehead against mine and then kisses my nose.

"I love you, Dorian," he murmurs huskily. "Please don't leave me."

"I love you too, Spy. You know that," I murmur back.

"But?" he prompts.

I bite my lip and look down at the floor. "But this thing with Rob."

"Please don't make me choose, Dorian. I can't," he pleads, caressing my cheek.

I shake my head, trying to think--to make up my mind. But it's so damn hard with Spider staring at me like that. Truth is, I like Rob. He's not so bad and he loves Spider. Can't fault him for that. It's just the idea of sharing. Well, not so much sharing, but the fact that they're brothers. It's almost as though I never really knew Spider all this time. My Spider doesn't fuck his own brother.

"Would it be different if he wasn't my brother?" Spider asks quietly.

"If he wasn't your brother, I would've left you the first night," I admit.

"I would've never cheated on you like that," he says.

I laugh sharply and step away from him. "I thought you were cheating on him with me."

He sighs and drops his hand. "I didn't mean to say that."

I step farther back. "Why did you fuck him?"

He blinks and steps closer. "I-- It just-- He wanted it."

"No, you wanted it. You wanted both of us and you got both of us and--" I stop as my voice breaks and swipe angrily at the tears that are suddenly streaming down my face. "And it can't be that way. I'm sorry."

He reaches out and grasps my chin lightly, forcing me to look at him. "You're leaving me?"

I pull away and back toward the door. "No, I'm choosing for you."

"Dori," he cries out, his voice filled with so much pain that he barely gets it out before his voice cracks.

I can picture him standing there in the kitchen, lost little boy look on his face as he stares after me. But I can't see it because I'm already in the bedroom trying to see enough through my tears to pack.

**

"Don’t do this to him," Rob pleads with me as I start hauling my shit to the door.

I ignore him and go into the den to collect my basses. Rob follows me. 

"He loves you," Rob says, grabbing my arm.

I shake him off and grab a case out of the closet. He picks up one of my basses and holds it away from me. I snarl and rip it out of his grasp. He looks shocked, like he didn't expect that. 

"Fuck. Off," I bite out, getting in his face.

He shifts slightly but holds his ground. "I'll leave."

I laugh in his face and then turn to shove my bass in its case. "Oh yeah fucking right. So Spider can hate me."

"You think he's not going to hate me if you leave?" Rob screams at me and I try not to jump. "You fucking bitch."

I whirl around and slap him. I'm not putting up with his shit. Not when he came in here and just destroyed everything I had with Spider.

"You fucking call me that again and I'll kill you," I warn him as he touches the blood at the corner of his mouth. "And he's not going to hate you. Blood *is* thicker than water."

I turn back around and pack up the rest of my equipment, trying so hard not to cry in front of him. When I turn back around, I get my wish, because he's gone.

**

"Dorian!" Al greets me as he opens the door. Then he freezes, blinking at my luggage. "Uhhh."

"I hate to be a pain in the ass," I tell him with a small smile, "but can I borrow your couch?"

He grabs one of my suitcases and steps back to let me in. "Hey, my couch is your couch."

"Thanks," I murmur as I start hauling my stuff in.

"Planning on staying awhile," Al comments as he shuts the door.

"I broke up with Spi-- Spider," I tell him, staring at the floor.

"Oh. Man. I--" He abruptly pulls me into a hug. "Sorry, man. That really sucks."

I just nod against his shoulder.

**

"Nah, Spider, he's not here," Al says into the phone.

I curl up into a ball on the couch while Al stares at me, his brow furrowed in concern. 

"Why would I lie to you, man?" Al asks with a sigh.

"Listen, I don't even know what the fuck is going on--"

Al nods a lot after that and says "uh-huh" occasionally. Then he drops down to the couch, sitting on my feet. I yelp and yank them away.

"What? No. That was my cat," Al says hurriedly, glaring at me.

I bite my lip and look away. He rubs my shoulder absently.

"Since today. What difference does it make? What's this you were saying about cheating on him?" Al demands.

I flush, wondering just what Spider is telling him. Al keeps on rubbing my shoulder, which is nice, but he also keeps on throwing me these questioning glances that make me nervous.

"Well, as I said, man, he isn't here," Al says.

His hand starts moving up and down my arm as he says "uh-huh" some more.

"Right. I will," he says before hitting the power button on the phone and setting it down on the coffee table. He looks at me out of the corner of his eye as he sits back. "You didn't tell me that he cheated on you."

I shrug, avoiding his eyes. "You didn't ask."

"You didn't want me to," he retorts. "So spill it."

"Al--"

He grabs my hand and yanks me off the couch. "C'mon, tell me while you help me make dinner."

I reluctantly follow him into the kitchen. He opens the refrigerator and pulls out a bag of carrots, tossing them to me. I catch them and open them up, running them under water in the sink.

"Well?" Al prompts as he pulls spices down from a cabinet.

"It's complicated," I hedge as I pick up a cutlery knife.

"That's why you're supposed to explain it," Al says pointedly, nudging me as he walks by.

"Bastard," I tease. "Fine. We kind of cheated on each other."

"That's not what Spider said," Al says.

"It was like, ummmm, a threesome," I hesitate, but Al just nods. "We basically slept with the same guy. Only I thought it was just going to be a one time thing."

"And Spider didn't?" Al asks, sounding surprised.

"Spider and this..." I pause and cough, "guy knew each other from way back."

Al frowns. "Way back?" 

"I don't think you really know him," I say quickly.

Al shrugs. "Doesn't matter. Spider doesn't tell me much these days anyway."

His tone is kind of bitter and that bothers me. "I'm sorry, Al."

He reaches over and touches my shoulder. "It's okay, I was just his best friend, you're-- we're his boyfriend."

"You're still--"

He shakes his head. "I'm closer to you than him and you know it."

"I'm sure he didn't mean to shut you out or whatever, Al," I say quietly.

He smiles at me. "You were in love. It was sweet. In fact," he rests his hand against my cheek, turning my head so I have to look at him, "you still are."

"But--"

"But nothing, Dorian," he cuts me off. "You're still defending him, so you still love him. And he loves you. It'll work itself out." He kisses my cheek, his hand stroking my skin. His fingers linger just a little too long though and there's so much sadness in his eyes as he murmurs, "I promise you."

**

"No!" 

I awake with a start from the middle of a nightmare and have no clue where I am. When I try and roll over, I end up on the floor with a loud thud. Then I remember everything all at once which hurts a hell of a lot more than the hip I landed on.

"The fuck?" Al asks as he flips on the light. He blinks at me and then bites his lip, like he's trying not to laugh. "Hey, there."

"Hey," I grumble, blinking to adjust my eyes to the light.

He crouches down and smiles at me. "You okay there?"

I sit up and smile back. "Just fine."

He looks down at his hands. "You know, you could always sleep in my room. It's not a big deal."

"I wouldn't want to impose," I murmur.

He looks up at me and he's just right there looking so hurt. I guess I probably look the same because he kisses me. His lips just brush mine and he starts to pull back, his eyes panicked. I can't stand to see him like that so I find myself cupping the back of his head, pulling him close again. 

"Dorian," he breathes, shaking slightly.

This time I kiss him. And when he pulls me to my feet and leads me into the bedroom, I just let him.

**

"For you," Al says, tossing me the phone.

I cover the mouthpiece and frown at him. "Who is it?"

He pushes my legs off the couch and sits down next to me, slinging his arm over my shoulder as he kisses my temple, but doesn't answer me. 

I curl against him and lift the phone to my ear. "Hello?"

"Dorian!" Spider cries and then starts babbling. "I've been trying to get a hold of you for weeks. You didn't tell anyone where you were going and Al, the fucker, kept telling me you weren't there. And I'm just so sorry, Dori. Please come back?"

"I can't," I whisper, my eyes darting to look up at Al.

"I've lost both of you," Spider says, his voice so choked that I know he's either crying or trying very hard not to.

"What?" I ask in shock. Rob left?

But Spider's already hung up on me.

"Well?" Al prompts, nudging me.

"He hung up on me," I say blankly, blinking back tears.

Al winces. "Sorry."

I shake my head and hang up the phone. "I-- I just don't know."

"Don't know what?" he asks gently.

I lean up and kiss him lightly. "Anything anymore."

He shifts away from me, dropping his arm. "Maybe this was a--"

I crawl into his lap and straddle his thighs, cupping his face. "Don't say that, Al."

He sighs and closes his eyes. "Maybe you should go home, Dorian."

I stiffen and then slide off his lap. As I run a hand through my hair, lost and confused, he looks up at me through his lashes and murmurs, "In your sleep-- In your sleep you call out his name."

Oh God. "I'm sorry," I whisper.

"I'll help you pack," he says before standing up and sliding past me.

I guess I have no choice but to do what he wants.

**

"So, if you need me, you know where to find me," Al says awkwardly as he places the last of my luggage on the front porch to Spider's house.

"Al--"

He waves his hand. "No, you know--" He starts walking away and throws over his shoulder, "Just-- Just good luck."

Then he's in his car and gone. I play with my keys, eyeing the darkened house warily. After just standing there for a moment, I force myself to unlock the door. I don't bother to turn on a light at first. Instead I just haul all of my luggage into the hallway and leave it there.

"Spider?" I call out as I move forward into the darkness.

"Dorian?" he calls back hoarsely from somewhere near the living room.

I move forward to flick on the light switch, and trip on something. 

"Fuck," I groan as I land on the same hip that I bruised the other week.

"Dorian?" Spider calls out again, almost right in my ear.

So that's what I tripped over. "Spider?" 

I reach out blindly in the dark until I touch his hair. Then I reach up along the wall and flip on the light switch. Spider is curled up against the wall. His hair is a mess and he obviously hasn't shaved in days, maybe weeks. He's got the phone clutched in his hands, his thumb still on the off-button.

"Spider, sit up," I tell him as I slide my hands under his arms and haul him up.

He drops the phone and wraps his arms around my neck, hugging me tightly. "You came back."

I tentatively hug him back. "Where's Rob?"

"He left the night after you did," Spider answers quietly. "I lost both of you. I lost both of you and--" 

"Shhhh," I say as his voice cracks. "C'mon, let's get you cleaned up."

"Okay," he says in this lost little boy voice of his. 

**

"You're back, but you're not *really* back, are you?" Spider asks quietly as he hands me a plate to dry.

"I don't really know," I admit, staring at the plate instead of him.

His hands shake as he hands me a cup. "I'm so sorry."

I bite my lip, but the bitter words come out anyway. "Sorry that you couldn't fuck both of us without fault?"

He drops a fork and it clatters to the floor. "I love both of you."

"Bullshit," I mutter, even though I think I believe him.

"I couldn’t choose--"

"So you've said."

He ducks down to pick up the fork and looks up at me. "And I lost both of you."

The expression on his face is enough to make my heart break. "I'm going to bed," I say as I back away out the door.

"I love you, Dorian," I hear him whisper as I cross the threshold into the hallway.

**

"Do you want me to sleep in the guest room?" Spider asks as he walks into the bedroom, startling me.

He standing there in the pajama pants I bought for him last Christmas, hovering on the opposite side of the bed. His head is bowed and he's looking up at me through his lashes, his fingers nervously tracing the pattern on the bedspread. And I find myself frozen in place, lost in time, standing there half-dressed, just wanting to touch him.

"I-- No. We're both adults," I finally manage to murmur.

He crawls into bed as I finish getting undressed. He's curled up on his side of the bed, as far away from my side as possible. I sigh and slide under the covers, curling up with my back to him. 

Time passes so slowly and I can't seem to fall asleep. I can hear Spider breathing and it's obvious he's not sleeping either. Sighing, flip onto my back and stare up at the ceiling. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Spider doing the same thing.

"Can I just-- Can I just touch you?" he asks without looking at me.

Silently I lay my hand palm up between us. His fingers skim up my lifeline before he grasps my hand lightly in his. Soon after that, his breathing evens out but he doesn't let go of my hand.

I stare up at the ceiling until the sun rises. Not really thinking about anything other than the feel of Spider's fingers against my skin and that I'd really like to just pull him into my arms and forget anything ever happened. But I can't.

**

"Mr. Heartsong?" the guy at the door asks from behind a huge bouquet of flowers.

"Yeah?" I say, taking the clipboard he hands to me.

I sign next to my name. He hands me the flowers and I hand him the clipboard back. I frown at the flowers as I shut the door. If Spider even thinks sending me flowers is going to fix everything, he's sorely mistaken. 

Sighing, I set the vase down on the kitchen table and pull out the card. All it says is "Forgive him" written in block print. Okay, not Spider. Which just leaves two people. Rob, who's supposed to be gone, and Al. 

Tapping the card against my lips, I just stare at the flowers until they become a multi-colored blur. 

Forgive him? How can I forgive him when I can't forgive myself? No matter how much I want to deny it, I'm the one that initiated sex with Rob. I'm the one that really cheated on Spider. With Al, his best friend. 

"Morning, Dorian," Spider murmurs and I jump.

"Morning," I murmur back, crumpling the card in my fist.

He slides close to me and smells the flowers. "Nice. Who sent them?"

"I don't know," I tell him.

He turns around to face me, leaning against the table. I nervously crumple the card into a smaller ball. He reaches up and touches my face, his hands shaking.

"I'm so, so sorry, Dorian," he whispers.

"Me too," I manage to mutter, my stomach tying itself up in knots.

His fingers brush my lips. "If we're both sorry, than why aren't we--"

"Spy, I--" I start to tell him about Al but cut myself off. "I love you."

He smiles, his other hand moving up to play with my hair. "I love you too."

Then I kiss him. I'm such a coward.

**

"What?" I barely get the question out as I catch a glimpse of Rob in the sound booth.

Spider sighs. "He got us this deal, Dori."

"But that doesn't mean--"

"He's singing on one of the tracks too," Spider interjects.

"Why?"

Spider presses me against the wall and kisses me. "It was a done deal before-- before all of that." He kisses me again before his eyes go dark and distant. "Besides, Rob and I aren't like that anymore and you know it."

I hate seeing that sadness in Spider's eyes. I hate knowing that I caused it. God, I think as Spider squeezes my hand once before wandering over to talk to Al, and what if he finds out about me and Al? 

"Hey, you just gonna stand there all day, Dorian?" Adam teases as he comes down the hallway.

I force myself to smile. "Hey, Adam. How're things?"

"Good." He reaches out and ruffles my hair. "Pink?"

I sneak a glance over to Al and Spider. Oh, good, they're just laughing. "It's red," I retort to Adam.

He laughs. "Sure, Dorian."

"What's so funny?" Mike asks as he comes up behind Adam. "The hell? Your hair!"

"It's red," I repeat, my eyes darting to Spider again.

"It's cool, man," Mike says. Then he leans in close to Adam and I. "Did you hear that Spider's brother's gonna be here?"

I nod toward the sound booth. "He's right over there."

Then I slip away to the bathroom as they start whispering nervously about Rob.

**

"So, I see you and Spider are back together," Al says slowly as he leans against the bathroom wall behind me.

I look up at him the mirror and nod before turning around, leaning against the sink.

"But you haven't told him about us," he says with narrowed eyes.

"He wouldn't understand," I whisper as I step closer to him.

"Yeah?" he says noncommittally.

I slide up against him and touch his face. "Please don't tell him, Al."

He turns his head away, but not before I see the agony in his eyes. "Slut."

My heart twists painfully but I don't move away. "I never meant--"

"Fuck you," Al growls. "Don't give me that patronizing 'I never meant to hurt you' bullshit, Dorian." He laughs cruelly. "You think I give a fuck anyway? You were just a sweet piece of ass."

I flinch and back up until I hit the sink. He can't really mean that, right? I blink back tears as he just stares at me, eyes wide like he shocked himself. His mouth opens and closes a couple of times before he swallows hard.

"Al--"

"Just don't fucking touch me ever again," Al mutters as he flees out the door.

I just stare at the wall for the longest time.

**

"God, that sucked," Adam says as he shoves his guitar into its case.

"Remind me why I showed up today?" Mike mutters, yanking his guitar strap over his head.

"I'm sorry," I murmur, looking down at my bass.

Adam rests a hand on my shoulder, glancing over to Spider and Al who are having a heated discussion over in the corner. "Dude, don't worry about it. Al's the one that's gotta get that drumstick out of his ass."

Mike snorts. "He fucked us all up today."

"... fucking bitch," Al says just loud enough for me to hear and I flinch.

I can just guess what he's telling Spider. Spider looks so pissed he can't see straight. 

"Ummmmm," Adam murmurs, dropping his hand, "I think maybe Mike and I should, you know?"

"Huh?" Mike asks, blinking at Adam. "Oh. See you later, man."

"Later," I call out as they leave.

Then I busy myself by putting my equipment away. I try really hard not to listen in on Al and Spider's conversation. I wonder where the closest hotel is because now Spider is patting Al's back. I should've never done that to Al in the bathroom. Now they'll both hate me. 

"Hey, ready to go?" Spider asks me softly as he walks up to me.

"Uh, yeah," I say, shocked, looking to Al.

Al turns his back to me almost immediately. My eyes stay on him even as Spider gently grasps my elbow and guides me out the door. 

**

"What's the deal?" I ask Spider as he sets a plate full of spaghetti down in front of me.

"What's the deal with what?" he asks absently as he sits down next to me.

I frown down at my plate. "Why did you want to cook tonight?"

He leans over and kisses my cheek. "I just felt like taking care of you, Dori."

Yeah, right, I think as I pick up my fork. "What did Al say to you today?"

Spider flushes and ducks his head. "Nothing. Much."

I sigh and stab at a piece of tomato. "Don't play games with me, Spider. I know what he told you. If you don't want me around anymore, just say so, okay? I'm sorry."

"Huh?" Spider grabs my hand in his and squeezes it tightly. "Why would I want you to leave? I thought you would want me to leave."

Oh God, so Al didn't tell him. "Why would I want you to leave?"

He laughs. "So, we're okay then?"

I nod slowly. "Yeah, I guess."

He kisses me. "Good. I've missed you, Dori."

"I've, uhhhh, missed you too, Spy," I murmur.

And just what the hell was that all about?

**

"What the fuck did you say to Spider?" I demand as I corner Al in our rehearsal room.

He gently removes my hand from his shoulder. "I told you not to touch me, Dorian."

"Fine," I snap, stepping back. "Answer the question."

"He told me that if I keep fucking up, he's going to get really pissed with me. I told him he was a fucking bitch, end of story," he says with a shrug.

I narrow my eyes. "Liar."

He spreads his arms. "What? You want a transcription?"

I pout and slide closer to him. "You didn't tell him, did you?"

He sighs and looks away from me, mumbling, "I wouldn't do that to you, Dorian."

I lean in until my lips barely brush his cheek. "Thank you, Al."

"Don't," he says hoarsely, practically jumping away from me.

"I wasn't--"

"Jesus fucking Christ," he shouts. 

I roughly grab my bass by the neck and sling the strap over my shoulder, turning away from him. He sighs loudly as I pick out some random chords from one of the new songs.

**

"Listen," Al says quietly as he leans over the drum kit. "Can't we just go back to being friends and pretend like none of this ever happened?"

"I don't know. Can you?" I ask childishly as I put my bass away.

He frowns. "I'm fine with it, you're the one that--"

"No," I cut him off. "You're the one that gets pissed every time I try to touch you."

"You're the one that keeps on coming on to me!" he growls.

"I used to touch you all the time," I say quietly.

"It's different now," he mutters.

"How is it different?" I ask.

He sighs. "It just is, Dorian."

"Al--"

"Because," he says gruffly as he steps out from behind his kit, "because before you'd touch me and I could pretend that someday you'd wake up and realize that I'm right there in front of you. But now-- Now you touch me and just reminds me that I got to have you once, but I never will again."

I swallow hard. "Oh, Al."

He shakes his head as I reach out just to hug him. "Just don't, Dorian. I don't need your pity."

I bite my lip. "I won't touch you anymore if that's what you want."

"Thank you," he says softly. 

Then he takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. I'm about to do the polite thing and say 'you're welcome' before leaving him alone, when he kisses me. His lips just brush mine and I find myself shaking. His arms slide around my waist and he kisses me again, harder this time, his tongue flicking against my lower lip as he pulls away.

"I'm sorry," he chokes out as his eyes fly open.

"Al!" I call out to him as he turns and runs for the door.

"Sorry," Al shouts as he runs smack dab into Rob.

Rob. Oh shit.

**

"I'm sorry," I murmur as Al roots in the freezer for an icepack.

"You didn't punch me," he mutters. "Rob did. Fucker."

I reach around him. "Let me?"

"I've got it," he growls.

I swallow hard and step back. "I'm sorry."

"Just-- Whatever," he sighs as he pulls out an icepack and rests it against his eye.

"Al--"

"Go home, Dorian," he says with emphasis.

I reach out just to hug him, but he pushes me away and I land on my ass. While I just blink up at him, confused and fighting back tears, Rob walks in.

"Let's go, Dorian," Rob orders, glaring at Al before he wanders out again.

I expect Al to glare right back at Rob, but instead his eyes stay on me. And he just looks so heartbroken and sad. I bite my lip and climb to my feet, backing toward the door.

"I'm sorry," I repeat in just a whisper.

"I'm sorry too," he whispers back before turning away from me.

**

"You didn't have to punch him," I seethe at Rob as I lean against his car.

He smiles thinly at me. "I was just defending your honor, Dorian."

"But Al wasn't doing anything," I protest.

Rob rests his hand on my shoulder and leans down into my face. "Now, see, Dorian, if Al wasn't doing anything, then that means you kissed him. Which means that you're hurting my little brother. Which you fucking promised me you wouldn't do."

Oh. "Doesn't mean you had to punch him."

Rob rolls his eyes. "You know, we can stand in the parking lot all night and discuss this..."

"Or?" I ask, raising my eyebrows.

His hand slides behind my back and before I can say anything, the car door hits me in the ass. I jump forward and scowl at him.

"Or I can drive you home before Spider starts to wonder," he finishes.

I glare at him as I slide into the passenger seat. "Bastard."

"Slut," he grins cheerfully at me before slamming the door in my face.

**

"Why did you leave Spider?" I ask as Rob pulls the car into the driveway.

He sighs and stares straight ahead. "It was a mistake."

"Leaving?"

"No. That night with you," he says gruffly. 

I frown. "Why? I thought--"

Rob lays one hand on my thigh and gestures toward the front window of the house with the other. Spider is standing there in the living room, staring back at us. I sigh and open the car door.

"Take care of him, Dorian," Rob calls after me as I slide out of the car.

I mutter, "I will," before slamming the door shut.

Before I have a chance to even make it up the stairs to the front porch, Spider is opening the front door. He waves over my head as Rob backs down the driveway before pulling me into his arms and hugging me tightly.

"Spy?" I ask, my voice muffled against his shoulder.

"I was worried about you," he murmurs as he pulls back and cups my face. "Your session went really long."

"Yeah, well," I hedge, avoiding his eyes.

He grabs my hand and pulls me into the house without another word.

**

"Nice shiner, Al," Adam laughs.

He playfully punches Al's arm. Al grunts and smiles thinly, Adam keeps on laughing. 

"Where's Spider?" Adam asks once he's calmed down.

"He got in the mood to write, so he stayed home," I murmur.

"Oh," Adam says. "Well, I guess I'll go work on my shit with Mike. See ya."

He waves and disappears through the doorway. When the door shuts behind him, it echoes loudly, and Al jumps slightly.

"You okay?" I ask him.

"Just peachy," he answers in monotone.

"So you want to--"

"No," he interrupts, "but if we don't, God knows Spider'll be pissed tomorrow."

I lick my lips nervously. "He won't if I talk to him."

"Talk?" Al barks, laughing sharply. "Yeah, I'll just bet."

I narrow my eyes. "What's that supposed to mean?"

He sighs. "Nothing. Let's work."

"Listen, you kissed me--"

He reaches out and presses a finger to my lips, shaking his head. "I didn't mean anything bad about you, Dorian."

"What did you mean then?" I whisper against his finger.

"I've seen how Spider treats you is all," he says with a shrug, dropping his hand.

I frown, confused. "What?"

He shakes his head. "Just pretend I didn't say anything, okay?"

"Al?"

"Maybe later," he says over his shoulder as he climbs behind his kit.

**

"Okay, so," Adam says as he walks over to me, waving a stack of papers.

"What?" I ask, watching as Al puts his coat on.

"Pay attention, man," Adam says, waving the papers in my face.

"Yeah, whatever," I say, dragging my eyes away from Al.

"All right," Adam begins. "Mike and I didn't like the way Spider did this part here, so we changed it." He taps the paper and I look down to see a mess of red over chords. "Got it?"

"Yeah, yeah," I say, my eyes darting to see Al heading out the door. "Al!"

He just waves absently at me before slipping out the door. Fuck.

"Dorian, c'mon, man," Adam pleads. "I wanna go home too."

"Right, right," I sigh, staring forlornly at the door as he starts talking again.

**

"Hey, hey," I say as I shake Spider's shoulder lightly.

He's fallen asleep at the kitchen table, papers with song lyrics strewn all over the place. He snorts and sits up, blinking at me, a pen stuck to his face. I smile and peel the pen off his face, tossing it on the table. He smiles back and then yawns.

"How'd it go?" I ask.

"Mmmm, fine," he says, gesturing at the table. "How'd it go with you?"

I pull the papers Adam gave me out of my jacket pocket and toss them on the table. "Adam changed some shit."

"Oh?" he asks as he wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me close.

"Yeah, it's all in red," I explain, absently running my fingers through his hair.

He kisses my stomach and then blinks up at me. "How'd things go with Al?"

"Ummmm," I murmur. "Fine?"

He furrows his brow. "Fine?"

"Fine," I repeat firmly.

Then I lean down and kiss him. And for the first time in a long time, I feel absolutely nothing.

**


End file.
